The Loop of Existence

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” — Søren Kierkegaard

I’ve been stuck in a loop lately. A bad one.

You know that feeling? You are trying to sleep, but your brain decides it is time to solve the universe. It’s not about small things like “what should I eat?” or “why is my code breaking?” It is the heavy stuff. The thoughts that start quiet and end up screaming.

I am writing this down not because I have the answers. I don’t. I just need to get this out of my head.

The People Trap

It usually starts with people.

We act like we are independent. We say we don’t need anyone. But that is a lie. We spend our whole lives trying to connect with others. We build these dependencies.

But later, I see how weak these bonds are. You want something simple maybe just some respect and when you don’t get it, everything breaks.

Take a small example. You have a friend. You care about them. Then you see them doing something you hate—like smoking.

Logically, I know it is their life. I know “right” and “wrong” depends on how you look at it. But in that moment, it hurts. You fight. Or maybe you just stop talking.

But the memory stays. The scar stays. And I started thinking: Is this it? Are we just here to get close to people, get hurt, hurt them back, and then leave?

Am I the Problem?

That thought got worse. It went from “people are hard” to “being alive is bad.”

I sat down and really looked at my life. I wanted to see if I was adding value to the world or taking it away. The answer was… not good.

I realized that just by breathing, I am creating problems. We are consumers. We destroy things.

I remember when I was younger, I used to eat meat. Then I realized my hunger was causing pain to an animal. So, I stopped. I thought I was doing better.

But then I looked at my morning chai.

I drink milk. I love it. But I know the truth. To get that milk, cows suffer. Calves are taken away from their mothers. It is an industry built on pain, and by buying that milk packet, I am paying for it. I want to stop, but it is a habit. A dependency.

It’s not just food.

I love my motorcycle. Going to the mountains, feeling the cold air—it is the best feeling. But it is ironic. To see that beautiful nature, I rode a machine that pumps smoke into it. My presence there makes the place worse.

It feels like no matter what I do, as long as I exist, I am causing damage.

The Hard Drive Wipe

Then comes the second part of the loop. If we are just consuming and destroying, maybe the point is to learn? To get smart?

I love learning. I spend hours coding, reading, and figuring out how things work. But late at night, a dark thought hits me: Why?

Why am I doing this?

The truth is, one day, I am going to die. You are going to die. The smartest people, the richest kings—they all ended up in the ground.

When we die, the hard drive in our head gets wiped. All that data, all that struggle to understand the world… gone. It feels like building a sandcastle right next to the ocean, knowing the tide is coming in five minutes.

Asking the Old Guys

I felt desperate, so I looked up the guys who did this for a living—the philosophers.

Socrates said the “unexamined life is not worth living.” Well, Socrates, I am examining it, and it hurts.

Plato said this world is just shadows, and we need to find the real truth.

Aristotle said everything has a purpose. A knife is made to cut. But what is a human made for? He said we are made to live a “good” life.

They had fancy words, but none of them could fix the problem. They just chose to look past the pain.

What Now?

So, where does this leave me?

I am not suicidal. I want to live. I am not an atheist. I believe in God, or some higher power.

But I have to ask: Is this belief mine? Or do I just believe it because I was born in an Indian family and that’s what we do? Is it just a way to deal with the fear of death?

I don’t know. And honestly, nobody knows. We are all just guessing.

But here is where I landed.

Yes, my existence causes problems. Yes, I will die and lose my memories. Yes, people hurt each other.

But we have a choice.

We might be stuck in a system where we have to consume to survive, but we can choose to consume less. I can’t stop the dairy industry today, but I can be aware of it. I can’t stop my bike from making smoke, but I can plant a tree or pick up trash when I am on that mountain. I can’t stop people from hurting me, but I can choose to forgive them so the anger doesn’t rot my brain.

Maybe the purpose of life isn’t to be perfect. Maybe the purpose is to be awake.

To know that you are part of the problem, and try—every single day—to be a little bit of the solution.

We are here for the “now.” The taste of the tea, the wind on the bike, the messy love we have for people. We learn things not to keep them forever, but to make the ride better for the people next to us right now.

I think that is enough for today.

I’m still overthinking. I’m still figuring it out. But I’m still here.